Civility During the Holidays

In a new book, Executive Etiquette Power (2009), one of several co-authors, Katherine Wurzburg, defines Civility as “using respect, restraint and responsibility in communications with others” (119). That can be difficult as we are in the midst of the busiest shopping season of the year and there are long lines, very few parking spaces, and irritable shoppers/cashiers. When we think about our image, most often we do not always relate it to our behavior. We think about our outer appearance with our clothing style, our hair, our cars, our homes, etc. Rarely do we think about how our behavior or communication influences our image and the messages we are putting out there to others.

This past weekend I had to stop at Target with my daughter to pick up a birthday gift for a party I was taking her to. As I turned into the parking aisle, I noticed a large Expedition coming from the opposite direction towards me. When my car had completely turned the corner, I spotted a parking space to my immediate right. I noticed the Expedition waiting so I thought they had paused to turn in the parking spot; I hesitated for a moment so they could take the open space. After several seconds of observing them not using their turn signal or proceeding to turn in the spot, I pulled in and turned off my car. As I looked to my left I noticed that they pulled in the parking spot one car away from mine. I then realized they were planning on taking the spot I had pulled into. I felt bad for unspoken miscommunication and lack of non verbal signals but proceeded to get out of my car. As I got out and looked in their direction the woman in the passenger seat was cursing, pointing, and screaming at me through the window. Of course, I couldn’t hear her with her window up but I could tell by her body language that she was very upset. I also happened to notice her small children in the back seat and was a bit appalled at how she chose to handle the situation as an adult role model. I looked at her and mouthed the words, “I’m sorry” in a genuine manner but of course, she couldn’t hear me either. My daughter had asked me why the lady was yelling through her car window and I had to explain that she was having a rough day.

I have to say that my human nature instincts had kicked in when I had seen the woman screaming at me; my ego kicked up a notch and my reaction was to immediately get defensive, but I quickly processed this emotion so I could handle the situation more calmly. I did apologize with my lips but I also waited a moment for her to get out of her car. I wanted to explain my unintentional manner of stealing her parking space but in hindsight, I’m glad she did not get out of the car. When people are very upset and don’t allow themselves to process the situation at hand (i.e. maybe I wasn’t trying to steal her spot) they don’t normally communicate with respect and restraint for others. In taking accountability and responsibility, I also could have done a better job with my nonverbal communication by waving my hand to my right before I pulled in to see if they were planning on parking there.

This whole incident had me thinking about how backwards our society is sometimes when it comes to civility. During the times when we should act the most civilized (holidays of thanks and giving, getting out of the church parking lot, etc.), we are the least civilized. When I think of road rage I can’t help but think of a very close relative of mine yelling at people through the window while she is driving. I always tell her that no one can hear her yelling or telling them to “hurry up”.

As you are driving or waiting in line during this holiday season think about how your image precedes you with your behavior and communication style. How can we do a better job of treating people with respect- we generally get respect when we give it? If someone does a kind gesture for you (i.e. giving up a parking space for you, letting you merge in front of them on the highway, letting you cut in front of them in the checkout line because you only have a few items, etc.) just giving a friendly wave or giving them eye contact with a smile will show your appreciation for their efforts. If you have put time and attention to leaving a positive impact with others through your visual appearance and style, consider how you behave in public and treat other people.

Please feel free to comment on how you have handled a similar situation with civility or how you will try and incorporate civility in your life during the holidays.